So Fabio Capello has said that he only needs 100 words to communicate with his players.
Now most people have moaned about this but is it not more about the fact that this is the limit of an English Premiership footballer’s vocabulary? In other words, Fabio only needs 100 words because our nation’s finest can’t muster that many themselves.
Presumably he could communicate with most of them through using the internationally-recognised Premiership footballer symbols for crack cocaine, prostitutes and a tyre on a rope. Of course the real challenge – far greater than getting a bunch of overpaid, talentless, narcissistic, deluded illiterate morons to play football with a bit of passion for 90 minutes every once in a while – is which 100 words does Fabio choose?
Well, first we would suggest he splash out on a vintage Speak and Spell (there’s one here on Ebay, although it is from Ireland so presumably whatever word you type in, it just says “we’re bust”) and then type the following words and phrases into it;
“talentless”
“pathetic waste of space”
“er…at the end of the day…well…er…you know…we was tired…kind of…we didn’t play very good…yeah”
“it is not acceptable to pay bankers any bonus but apparently society tolerates paying you hundreds of thousands a week for no social purpose at all”
“I wish our legal system allowed Italian footballers to punch innocent people in bars and then get off scot-free”
“No, that is someone else’s wife/girlfriend/lover/sister/au pair”
“free eighth if you score in the next game”
“my gran is a more talented footballer and she has been dead for 30 years”
and the quote in the title is from Troilus & Cressida, a play by Shakespeare. Perhaps he could suggest that his players study it, except that would imply that they can read.